It's Not A Question, But A Lesson Learned In Time

Uh, actually I've been thinking about posting this since weeks ago, but I didn't have the courage to do so, but here I am now.

So he's finally gone now. He's going somewhere oversea, chasing his dream career (I guess) since he didn't make it here, so he goes oversea. What an ambitious guy.

But that's not the reason why I post this post

He's gone now, I let him go. He was a boy, she was a girl, should I make it more obvious? She's so beautiful, kind, bright, and intellectual lady (am a bit exaggerating but yeah she's that kind of girl I'd die to be). They look so good together, I wish they could date and last for a long time! Better, they should get married, have children, and be a happy family! Bless their children.

I know I sound pathetic, but don't know why I don't feel so. Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I don't care, sometimes I think a lot, sometimes I just don't know. That kind of mixed feeling. 

With logic I think, why should I care about them, they don't even care about me, it's a waste of time. With heart I think, yeah I couldn't think about anything, it feels empty. No one to look for again, no one to dress up for again.

It's senior year now, haven't feel the joy of being a senior, I only feel the stress, panic, burden, and all. With frown on my forehead, my fingers dance on the keyboard typing my heart out.

There's a question spinning in my head after all of these happened.

What do I want to do? 

I don't know. What do I want to be? Do I want to study in Korea or do I wanna go there because I like kpop? Do I really wanna study meds? Do I really think I'm capable of doing those SNMPTN and get into FKUI? Don't I wanna study law? Don't I wanna study psychology? 

Do I love him?

I.don't.know.

I just hope someday somehow, the answer runs into me.